am I good enough?

I am never anyone’s first choice. Somehow in a blink of an eye, the person I thought I was so close to suddenly decides there is someone better. Dad always says I’m the sort of person who succeeds in the beginning then slowly fades away. It’s just the way I am. I’m smart he says, I learn things quickly, but when people catch up, I’ll never put in the work to get ahead. Maybe that’s me with life as well. I got ahead when I was young and I was like the top of the class for everything, then I slowly faded out. I’m best friends with someone in the first few seconds we meet, then slowly, they always find someone better. I’m just so scared. So scared that I will never amount to anything. That all of these dreams all of these ambitions will be for nothing. I get attached really quickly, all of my depression comes from my friends because I’m the sort of girl who wants a friend who loves me more than anyone else because somehow I’ve come to depend on the validation of their love to keep me going. Somehow, in the end, I’m always the one chasing after them as they make other friends. Maybe I just draw in that sort of person. It’s quite pathetic actually when I think about it. How I would be so upset by how bad they’ve been treating me and then feel my heart bloom and a smile tugging on my lips whenever they text or validate their love for me in some way. I am so full of love. I give it out to everyone, but little do they know I’m probably the most insecure about love myself. I am so scared that I will be all alone in this world with no one to love me. I’m tough on the outside, but in the inside I desperately need to be loved. I just want someone who cares about me enough to put in the effort and let me know they love me. I make friends so easily but I can never seem to keep a best friend. They always get away somehow. And the older I get, the more pathetic I get. Even when I know in my heart that they don’t deserve me and that they have other friends and I should just fucking move on. I just can’t. I always come crawling back like a fucking dog. I’m just scared of change. I don’t want to put myself out there because I just want to feel stable. Because even if it’s a horrible friendship, at least I have friends right. I just wish. I wish upon the fricken star. I wish to anyone out there who might be watching over me, just to have someone who loves me enough to keep me always. Who will make the effort to be there for me, to show there love in the most simple ways. A text, a handmade gift. I’m one of the cheesy ones, give me a fricken handmaid card and I will love you forever. Show me that you care and it would be the best gift you ever give me.